Consciousness and the Will to Act

It's interesting; I almost stopped myself from writing this, and it was only once I re-read the title I had given it that I decided to continue. It's so easy to set a goal and not follow through with it; one needs simply to rationalize an excuse not to do it. "I'll do it later." "I don't feel well." "I'm tired." "I'm busy." "I'm too depressed." Bah. My excuse lately has been depression mixed with anger. I won't elaborate much on the specifics of it, that's not the point. Rather, my point is that our mind, the source of all of these goals and ideas, prevents us at the same time from accomplishing them. I've allowed myself to wallow in thought so much that lately, I haven't been doing anything worthwhile; I haven't been doing anything at all actually. Consciousness can be a disease, they say, and I've been afflicted more than my fair share of it. I feel like Dostoevsky's Underground Man"

"Oh, gentlemen, do you know, perhaps I consider myself an intelligent man, only because all my life I have been able neither to begin nor to finish anything"

Naturally this hasn't been going on my entire life, but recently, I've been trapped by inertia. It's so easy to wallow in self pity and to analyze every possible scenario; it's even easier to choose the negative outcome as your solution to that scenario. I'm not entirely sure why yet, because it seems that it would feel better to expect the best, yet, it seems humans always choose the worst. My answer to this, though cynical, is that humans like suffering. Well, we don't LIKE it, but we enjoy to talk of it. Suffering gives us a claim to uniqueness. Humans are actually proud of their suffering, because it gives them something to have "overcome." This is absurd but this is the way we live. How often do I hear my peers explain some awful tragedy that has just occurred in their lives? How often do I see Facebook status's from people hoping to get pity? It's absurd, but suffering is so much more fun to talk about then happiness. Happiness is boring (to most people). 

"Ha, ha, ha! You will be finding enjoyment in toothache next," you cry, with a laugh."

I'm digressing slightly, but only to explain better my situation. I chose to suffer, and to live in fear of finding certainty. I chose, rather than to act, to live in pain, because it gave me some claim to hold on to. I was a victim! It's sick really. I went as far to create negative fictions about my situation, to use as an excuse to hold on to the suffering. I would literally come home from school, and do nothing but think. I would think up the most horrible possibilities ever, knowing it hurt me, but never once choosing to act in order to become certain. I was fearful of the outcome of conscious action. The mind can make a coward of us all if we let it; I think Hamlet said that. I put thoughts and actions onto other people, and worried myself into inactivity. My will to act was gone because I willingly let it go and exchanged it with the will to suffer. It's awful and naive, but I feel I'm not the only one who has done this. During the last week, I neglected my homework, my eating, my sleep, my manners; I neglected myself. I didn't take active initiative to do this, but rather, it was my lack of action that brought this about. I knew I was being hurt, but I continued on the path because my mind had created an uncertainty that prevented me from doing something; I wasn't sure what would happen if I took action. At least I knew that if I didn't I would suffer. Suffering was an absolute, and I think that's the key. People are always looking for certainty; they'll choose it over uncertainty 9 out of 10 times, even it it means suffering. Inertia dictated I didn't take action, so I didn't.

"…tearing and consuming myself till at last the bitterness turned into a sort of shameful accursed sweetness, and at last – into positive real enjoyment! Yes, into enjoyment, into enjoyment! I insist upon that. I have spoken of this because I keep wanting to know for a fact whether other people feel such enjoyment? I will explain; the enjoyment was just from the too intense consciousness of one's own degradation; it was from feeling oneself that one had reached the last barrier, that it was horrible, but that it could not be otherwise; that there was no escape for you; that you never could become a different man; that even if time and faith were still left you to change into something different you would most likely not wish to change; or if you did wish to, even then you would do nothing; because perhaps in reality there was nothing for you to change into."

My grandpa came over to the house today, and he told me something I'll never forget: "Either shit, or get off the pot." He was right. I thought over-analyzing my situation, and suffering from it, would somehow, in the end, make things better. Really, it's activity, any activity, that fixes suffering. We're in charge of our mind, and we choose what thoughts enter it. I can let the negativity enter, and prevent me from taking action; it's certainly easy, but that will never bring anything good about. It's the will to act that can fix depression, and that comes from controlling one's mind. It's late and I realize this may not be my best work, but if we can grasp anything from this, let is understand that action cures consciousness.

 -L.C.